I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. (Sweet dreams and flying machines, and peices on the ground)

The worst thing you can possibly do is fall in love with your best friend. That’s exactly what I told her. But she wouldn’t listen. I told her not to get too attached. That when she loses him, she would also lose herself. How do you “re-find” yourself? That’s the task she now faces.

Every relationship fails. I’ve explained this to so many people. A relationship is a short thing (don’t counter and say that 5 years is not short, look at your whole life, 5 years isn’t that long) set up for failure. The only kind of relationship that works would be one that turns into a relationship that turns into a marriage. But look at the divorce rate now. Your first relationship isn’t meant to be. The first few years. Everything ends.
And age factors into it all. Chances are, you are not going to find lasting love at 16 or 17. And if you do, they probably weren’t your first love. There's trials. And it’s all part of life.
Sure love starts out great. You think about this person all the time. They become your life, your best friend, your everything, blah, blah, blah. But you become blinded to this persons imperfections. Fighting happens. You both start realizing things about each other. Accusations are made, and eventually, you split up. It always happens, it has to. Its part of the process.
A wise man once spoke to me and my friend “Relationships are just fillers.” He's married now, so needless to say, his “filler” worked out. But we don’t need this. Yes it’s desirable, even for me, but too arduous to keep. People are wasting their lives looking for love when they should really be getting off their lazy behinds and starting a future for themselves.
Listening to me is not going to soften the blow. Nothing will. That’s also part of the relationship process. Your heart was broken. I understand. I can’t say I haven’t been here before. No, I don’t know what you should do now. I can’t exactly offer you expert advice. Healing happens on its own. Yes it will take a long time, but I will be there. In 2 or 3 months something better will come around and you will forget all of it.
--that’s total crap. You will never forget any of this. It’s impossible to get over things like this. Everything you do, everything you think will revolve around him. The best you can do is force yourself to smile and move on. Push it to the back of your head. And make new memories to replace the old. And if you can be friends, that’s great. In some cases you have to. Especially yours. I won’t say to pretend nothing happened, cause that’s pretty bitchy, but try to push the memories away. Avoid anything that will make you sad, nobody likes a clingy whiner. But you’re bitter, you can’t smile. You don’t want to laugh. You’re becoming a horrible person, and you can’t stand him for making you this way.
It will be hard. You’ll find yourself opening your notebook to pages filled up with his name. Doodles, poems, things that make you feel sick. When your friend mentions his name, and your heart races, forgetting it wasn’t meant to be. A song on the radio, a television commercial, his favorite color. The first few weeks you find yourself living only to see his smile (sorta like living paycheck to paycheck). It reminds you of when you first started out. But this time, you’re moving on.

When you turn the sink on and the water is so hot it feels cold. Until your under the faucet long enough to realize that your skin is burning. When you don’t sleep for 3 days and you’re running on so much adrenaline it seems that nothings wrong, if not extra hyperness. Until you crash. Is that analogous to love?
What really is love? That’s what it all circles back around to.

Calm me with your lies, your simple tradgedy.

Never underestimate people. Sometimes they hide themselves, well. I was talking with some friends a week or so ago. It was a pretty deep conversation. Something about depression. And I admitted to not being the happiest of people. This didn’t come as a surprise to most of them. But one of my socially awkward peers pulls me aside. He says “Jeannie that can’t be true, if you considered anything like that, you’d tell everybody you can before anything.” Really? Do you really think I'm that airheaded? Well I'm not. Ive been getting a lot of comments about that lately. “Jeannie, what’s so wrong with your life.” I don’t share with people often, or easily. Only one person in this world truly knows what’s going on in this pretty little head of mine. Hahaha. Just because I don’t go blurting out my problems doesn’t mean I don’t have them. And the airheadness, sweetness, or whatever type of person you take me for: have you ever considered the fact that I'm just really good at acting? Or pretending I'm something I'm not? And if you are close to me, and I don’t expect you to Dr. Phil me to the death, you’re probably someone I enjoy talking to. Listening to. Or maybe all of my problems have to do with you. And that’s why I don’t share them with you. But you will never know that. I'm the type of person that enjoys drowning herself in other people’s problems. Sometimes. Occasionally I get overwhelmed though. And end up even more depressed. But if I focus on other people, I don’t have to think about myself. People never let themselves shine through. At least I don’t. If you’re close to me, good for you, but that doesn’t mean you have to know everything. Continue to talk to me though, because I would hate to have to focus on myself. If you’re going to be there for someone, be there. Don’t doubt them or ask questions or anything, just comfort them. If their asking for consolation, then give it to them. Tell them something. Remind them that they matter, how much you care for them. Don’t spend your time telling them their stupid for feeling how they do, or telling them they don’t have problems. Cause 9 times out of 10 they do. And they don’t have to tell you. And just because their not out in the open, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. They know, I know, when I go to these people (the ones my problems revolve around), it will only get worse. I'm living on false hopes. Don’t be surprised at what people are really thinking about when their bobbing their heads to music. Or laughing at a conversation. No matter how airheaded they may normally seem.

Theres the poison, and the antedote. theres a cigarette, and the songs i wrote

Sitting in my messy room. It’s raining again. I love this weather. Makes you want to curl up with a book, too bad I don’t have one.
This weekend I tried to teach myself the guitar. It pretty much annoyed the crap out of everyone in my household. Not bad, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Maybe it’s off key or something. My friend said his brother (or was it sister) gives lessons, I’ll look in to that.
There is no such thing as a true friend. (Nobody get offended, half of me is just writing to write, but half of me feels this. Don’t pee yourself Kayla) the only thing you can have is your truest friend. There is no saint to befriend. So naturally, you won’t have perfect ones.
We talk behind each others backs, ignore each other, and sometimes humiliate each other. Everyone does it. Maybe they just don’t realize it. But it becomes unbearable. When someone you are close to becomes your enemy. Almost a competition. Maybe we don’t have “best friends” just second best. But who takes the first?
Tangent: Paulina pointed out “I don’t keep secrets, that way everybody knows everything. Nobody talks about anything behind my back, and I'm not set up for as much disappointment.” This almost reminds me of the whole, set low goals if any, so you won’t be as disappointed if you don’t reach them. Or is it doesn’t set any goals at all, so the littlest feat means a lot. Same concept I guess.
Nobody’s perfect. So we just have to make do. I hate people. I hate drama. I'm sick of this. I wish people would stop being bipolar and just take me or leave me. I'm way too confused and I feel stretched out.

Beating Heart Baby (Head Automatica)...my 1st semester song.lol

Help Im alive my heart keeps beating lie a hammer. Hard to be soft. Tough to be tender.

ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

I don’t want your heart to bleed, cause your heart is all I need.

Not to be all hypocritical and all being in a television production class, but I hate the media. Specifically the stories following Jon and Kate Plus Eight. I really don’t care about them; they just have some stupid TLC show that my friends occasionally watch. For a while ive been seeing stories about Jon cheating on his wife. Big deal! And yes I'm against cheating and all, but they are making too big a deal of it. They make a huge deal of everything. But the J&K crisis seems like something people really shouldn’t be focusing on. Maybe its cause Britney’s on vacation or something.
The worst thing is, that somewhere deep down J&K are most likely enjoying the publicity. Maybe this is all a fake. And if the fact that “Their marriage is falling down the tubes.” Is true, then sad for them. Surely their ratings went up like 500% with this. But those poor girls (the ones Jon was photographed with) they are now known as the sluts who went with the TLC dad of 8. They had to know who he was. And since they did, shouldn’t they have stayed away from him in fear of his wife. Imagine they are forced to clip coupons or something for the rest of their lives just for touching him. He's not even that attractive. I don’t get it.
If the man is going to cheat, don’t publicize it. Can’t the media focus on good things. Can they have specials on the telley about the top trustworthy partners or something? Why is it that everything is about cheating, or rape, or murder, or something that most people cant stomach, or stealing, or hurricanes, or really bad movie commercials about all of this packed into 2 hours? Nope, anything for the ratings,
----I feel like such a hypocrite right now.
But Kate is creepy. Just for the record, I wasn’t surprised to hear their marriage was less than ideal. Poor man, he has Kate, 8 kids, and a camera crew running around him all day. Everytime I flip to this show, I feel sorry for the man.
Yesterday, I was listening to the car radio and the girl was like “Why would Jon do something like this, he has 8 beautiful children?” I don’t believe that this is really wrong cause he has 8 children. It’s more of a values thing. He deserves better and I'm sure if they divorce, the kids will have a new daddy within 8 months. There has to be some freakish old man who would just love to be with Kate, maybe he's attracted to bitchiness.
Point is, anyone can cheat. It happens in most relationships. But I don’t think it should be publicized like this. Do the media think they are helping? Probably not, cause their not trying. In fact, their hoping for things to get worse, so they can get another weeks salary.

Because we'll sail through the sleazy seas, Past all the casting couches, rug burned knees

The best way To make it through With hearts and wrists intact Is to realize Two out of three ain't bad

<3 bored..... more later, i wrote about jon and kate plus eight

And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

sorry its 1245 and this feels relevant. along with my newfound obsession in The Script <3..musical soulmates..-very helpful

As I’m looking to the sky to count the stars, I wonder if you see them where you are.

So psycho draft is finished. We got a D. I think it was the worst one that Diaz has ever seen. We were supposed to shoot the real one today, but that didn’t happen. Thursday, I think.—Sneakerhead!
And I have recently discovered my love of croissants. I love it when McAllister gives us food.
Bernie: Tom’s extra talkative today, what do you think he had for breakfast?
Roxanna: I don’t know, probably a parrot or something.

Think about the following spoken to a friend who shared the contemplation with me:
--Have you ever lost something that you wanted to lose and gained something that you thought you wanted but in the end, the thing you lost is what you really wanted and the thing you gained is what you wish you’d lost?

Saturday, some of my old friends met some of my new friends. They seemed to mix well. It was, what was oddly described to me as, “A pretty little group of people.” They highlights were singing But Its Better If You Do. (The clean version…”Praying for love and a hat dance.”) And watching Hailey and Joamna and Rachel and Jason trying to transfer their mixed drinks (pour everyone’s into a giant glass) into an empty cup using only their straws. When this was done we went to Petco. Enough said.

Now I think I'm going to rant. Not a mad rant, is it even a rant? I'm not that sure. But I want to express a concept called to my attention. Mostly through the broadcasting guys. I thought that I’d keep this to myself like Sandra Cisneros advised me to. But I think I pretty much go against everybody’s advice anyways.
So lately ive taken part in some interesting conversations. They are basically about what guys find attractive in girls. And vice versa. So my friends said that guys generally like thick girls. Okay, maybe that was the wrong term to use. I mean thick as in thighs, and a stomach. This pretty much goes against everything I was taught.
My old school was so different from this one. Maybe since I'm transfer. The kids aren’t the same. Different values, different ideas of “socially acceptable”. All my life I have been taught that skinny is beautiful. That if you don’t fit into a size 3, your fat. And nobody likes you. That was an exaggeration, but I’m sure everyone understands. There was this pressure to be skinny. And sad to say, I never was skinny. I never was fat either. But I never was happy with how I looked.
So this year, I decided to loose the weight. It was really 15 pounds, and it wasn’t hard. I'm sure I didn’t loose it the right way, but it works. Now instead of pushing a 5, I fit into a 3. And a small shirt size.
I really don’t want to go into a related anorexia thing, so I won’t. I'm still not satisfied, and I don’t think I ever will be. But as Tom says; “I don’t want to talk about it man.” And I realize I'm being semi-personal, but deal with it. Weight is a rollercoaster, along with many other aspects of life.
So now, after I loose, I am told that that is not the ideal. Which is outrageous. But for me, it’s a loose-loose. When I go to school I have to be not skinny. But where I live (kinda far away) the people expect you to be skinny. I can’t be both!
Fitting in is too hard nowadays. The standards are crazy. You can’t be what everybody else is. Or expects you to be. And why does everybody strive to be perfect. It’s too hard. The closer we get to it, the farther it gets. Like the horse with the carrot tied in front of it. Everybody just wants to be accepted. To be loved. Maybe some people just aren’t meant to have that. No matter how many changes they make, nobody cares. Or takes notice. Will they end up alone? Wow. I really need to get my head fixed.

Waiting. Fading. Floating Away.

Sorry. I realized that I haven’t posted much. For a week exactly. I won’t go into my schedule but it was lengthy. And even when I was free, I was too ugh to write anyways. Life’s just been whatever, and I doubt it gets better.

I think life pretty much comes down to trust. If you can’t trust anyone, you can’t live. You can’t do anything. You’re constantly fighting to determine whets real or not. What people are conspiring, who is really on your side. It reaches to point of being quite ridiculous.
But what people do behind your back can be surprising. Even what the do in your face. They hide, they lie, and they change stories. If you feel someone isn’t being real, you should run.
I can tell that about some people. When they “talk down” to you. I really can’t stand it. You can just tell.
But what really gets to me is when you find out that you can’t trust those close to you as much as you thought you could. When words spoken in confidence are twisted and repeated. Lately, its seems as if I can’t tell anyone anything. I'm to worried they will be judgmental. That I will change the way they see me. I don’t trust them to be there.
Using you. Toying with your emotions. Do they realize? Of coured they do. Your just too much a fool to turn away. You think you will be okay, but deep down you know it wont. And you know life goes on, but you feel its over. Cause you know that this will happen again. And that’s the only reliable aspect of this person. More pain.
Should I let go. Maybe my thoughts are obsolete. That’s another thing I do; I have no complete grasp on reality. So confused. And the person I thought would be there has long since disappeared. But don’t worry, cause tomorrow I will forget this all. It’s always that way.