As I’m looking to the sky to count the stars, I wonder if you see them where you are.

So psycho draft is finished. We got a D. I think it was the worst one that Diaz has ever seen. We were supposed to shoot the real one today, but that didn’t happen. Thursday, I think.—Sneakerhead!
And I have recently discovered my love of croissants. I love it when McAllister gives us food.
Bernie: Tom’s extra talkative today, what do you think he had for breakfast?
Roxanna: I don’t know, probably a parrot or something.

Think about the following spoken to a friend who shared the contemplation with me:
--Have you ever lost something that you wanted to lose and gained something that you thought you wanted but in the end, the thing you lost is what you really wanted and the thing you gained is what you wish you’d lost?

Saturday, some of my old friends met some of my new friends. They seemed to mix well. It was, what was oddly described to me as, “A pretty little group of people.” They highlights were singing But Its Better If You Do. (The clean version…”Praying for love and a hat dance.”) And watching Hailey and Joamna and Rachel and Jason trying to transfer their mixed drinks (pour everyone’s into a giant glass) into an empty cup using only their straws. When this was done we went to Petco. Enough said.

Now I think I'm going to rant. Not a mad rant, is it even a rant? I'm not that sure. But I want to express a concept called to my attention. Mostly through the broadcasting guys. I thought that I’d keep this to myself like Sandra Cisneros advised me to. But I think I pretty much go against everybody’s advice anyways.
So lately ive taken part in some interesting conversations. They are basically about what guys find attractive in girls. And vice versa. So my friends said that guys generally like thick girls. Okay, maybe that was the wrong term to use. I mean thick as in thighs, and a stomach. This pretty much goes against everything I was taught.
My old school was so different from this one. Maybe since I'm transfer. The kids aren’t the same. Different values, different ideas of “socially acceptable”. All my life I have been taught that skinny is beautiful. That if you don’t fit into a size 3, your fat. And nobody likes you. That was an exaggeration, but I’m sure everyone understands. There was this pressure to be skinny. And sad to say, I never was skinny. I never was fat either. But I never was happy with how I looked.
So this year, I decided to loose the weight. It was really 15 pounds, and it wasn’t hard. I'm sure I didn’t loose it the right way, but it works. Now instead of pushing a 5, I fit into a 3. And a small shirt size.
I really don’t want to go into a related anorexia thing, so I won’t. I'm still not satisfied, and I don’t think I ever will be. But as Tom says; “I don’t want to talk about it man.” And I realize I'm being semi-personal, but deal with it. Weight is a rollercoaster, along with many other aspects of life.
So now, after I loose, I am told that that is not the ideal. Which is outrageous. But for me, it’s a loose-loose. When I go to school I have to be not skinny. But where I live (kinda far away) the people expect you to be skinny. I can’t be both!
Fitting in is too hard nowadays. The standards are crazy. You can’t be what everybody else is. Or expects you to be. And why does everybody strive to be perfect. It’s too hard. The closer we get to it, the farther it gets. Like the horse with the carrot tied in front of it. Everybody just wants to be accepted. To be loved. Maybe some people just aren’t meant to have that. No matter how many changes they make, nobody cares. Or takes notice. Will they end up alone? Wow. I really need to get my head fixed.

You are everything I want. Cause you are everything I'm not.

“Sometimes I wish
That you’d just leave
And stop making it so
Hard to breathe

And your whispers
Were slightly heard
They said they wanted lies
And you were there to say the word” –fml at 11:45

Quick thought:
Think back to all the Disney movies that you watched when you were a child. Now try to name one that both parents are alive in. it’s not easy. Ariel didn’t have a father. Cinderella’s mom died. The Lion King; was there parents, I can’t remember? Finding Nemo! Yep, both a mom and a dad! Too bad they decided to kill her off in the first five minutes.
Basically every Disney movie includes death, or violence, or some kind of tragedy. Yes, it does provide for plot, but should a child be exposed to this? Whatever.
I heard that the new movie, I think it’s called Earth, took it too far. Instead of one or two, there were three animal killing scenes. That’s too much. Even the adults were scared by this, so it wasn’t subtle stuff. And it’s never the normal animal to get killed, you always have to watch a child, or an oldie, or a sick one die.
So go Disney. Life is cruel…

But Yay today is my birthday. And I got to wear my pretty dress today. It is a little baggy though. But I got 2 awards and quite a few laughs with Roxana at the ceremony. Oh and cookies, and brownies, and cupcakes. Which I brought to 5th and they were eaten within 30 seconds of being revealed. I didn’t get much of that. But it was all worth it when Jake spit out his oatmeal cookie because he thought it was chocolaty.
And Diamond’s email last Friday was enough for a lifetime of love. And Pauli gave me a letter that almost made me cry with the feelings of being important. And yummy smelling sprays. On the back was this mind-blowing poem. That I'm going to be greedy and keep to myself. I'm so thankful for people like this. Most of the time. People like this never fail to blow my mind (Can I ask you a hypothetical question?)- So yea, pretty interesting day.

Book signing tonight. Grabbing my size 3s and paint-splattered V-Neck as we speak. Or as I type (even though you can’t type and get dressed at the same time) Picking Kayla up later. This might just be interesting.

Oh, and the Psycho mock is finished. Edited. We missed so many shots, and I'm terrible at dying. Which I cover up with the extremely accurate fact that the storyboards were wrong so I didn’t know what to do. Ms. Garcia saw it, and everybody else’s so I'm sure I will be hearing about the hilariosity of this later.

Ice Cream soon. And Self-Titled Album (the Audition) released today. I can’t wait; Lela’s buying it for my prezzie. My favorites are the Running Man and Los Angeles. Los Angeles has the cutest theme; the dude is jealous of Los Angeles because it gets to keep his love for two months. <3>

How insincere are your fingerprints?

I finally have something to live for. Something to distract. Something tangible to rely on. Can I? Oh so doubting. But as those who really know, I’ve needed this, for a long time.

So update on Psycho…..we have yet to film the real thing. We put together a draft this week (well filmed, that is) but my oh-so-ready-to-work group got a start two days late. I get to be Marion (the girl who’s violently stabbed in the shower) and Paulina is Norman. Our shots are pretty cool. We did the draft in the school bathroom so the setting is semi-realistic. (And it helps that I look pretty cute getting stabbed-as previously mentioned, it’s my conceited day) so I can’t wait to do the real thing. I'm sure the blooper reel is gonna be extensive. I'm sure you can imagine the level of seriousness me and Paulina have when she’s stabbing me.
Example: One of the shots was of a wide of her stabbing me (obviously) but I was to block myself with my arm, and she was to pull it away and continue, well, stabbing me. So she grabs my arm and holds it there. We stop; I'm supposed to still be getting murdered. But Nia, who is doing the screaming noises for me because I'm out of breath, continues to scream. I have to move my arm to make it look like she’s stabbing me to tell her to go on. She then goes oh! And continues. But at this point I'm on the floor (which I tend to do a lot when I'm laughing-trip over myself)


Reasons why I am Holden Caulfield:

-extremely cynical (skeptical, sarcastic and whatever else comes with it
-which reminds me of Wednesday when Ms Garcia says “How can you be so young and so cynical?”...She now calls me Holden)
-Mocking of Romeo and Juliet
-Mocking of how people practice for their jobs
-Hanging on to a memory
-Kinda slack (but I'm not that bad)
-I do tend to have catch phrases

I don’t know, anything I missed (cough, cough Annie)

hehehe i love projects

Did you know that most movie murder scenes in the 50s were created with chocolate syrup? Awesome. And delicious. Nothing like murder and a sundae (though some who know me, cough Annie, would agree that I would very much enjoy ice cream and gore).
So for broadcasting, we have to recreate this awesome murder. Its actually listed as #1 on the most scary movie murders list. We are recreating the shower scene from Psycho. We have to get al of the camera angles right and its gorgeous. There are over 70 frames we have to put into 3 minutes.
So, to help us with our project (or we are just easily entertained) we watched the movie today. Old movies are awesome, and old movies with murder are even more enjoyable.
The only thing that bugged me was the fact that it was in black-and-white. its not that there are no colors that annoy me. What’s really annoying is when I get all ocd-creative and start thinking about what the colors would be if the movie wasn’t black and white. so I stop focusing, and miss part of the movie. Same thing happens to me in action movies, I zone out and can never watch it fully. I had to watch Transformers like 3 times before i got the point.
So psycho=hilarious. I don’t want to spoil it but ill tell you that the effects are really bad. and many of the lines call for a prompt "that’s what she said" and all of the deaths were really entertaining. especially the facial expressions. Did you know that the lady who dies is really the lady from freaky Friday’s daughter? They do not look alike. at all.
Alfred Hitchcock is now my hero. I cant go to a motel again without thinking anything sketchy is going on.
And to Annie and Bernie and Manny and Tom and Gabe and whomever else was amused by my amusement; I don’t enjoy watching death. Yes, I do tend to have an irrationally grim point of view but death is unfortunate. But like Ms Garcia said about herself “I am an equal opportunity mocker. If you do something stupid, I will laugh.”. So yea that’s it. If I think the death is obscene and funny I wont hesitate to crack up. And maybe I’m a tad grim. But that’s why you love me! (that, and the fact that if you don’t agree with me, you wont get a burger)
I am so stoked for this. Were gonna shoot our scene and then have a pool party. Which might look weird if half of us are covered in chocolate syrup. But don’t get the wrong idea cause Mr. Diaz’s rules are: No nudity, and No knifes. Which ruins a lot of the fun.
Song in my head all day: Glass To the Arson (Anberlin)
One of Those Nights (The Cab):

would you care to join me for some sandwhiches and milk?

I recently had to present on Black Death. It’s actually super intriguing. Did you know where ring around the rosy came from? Black death!::
Ring around the rosy (the cheeks are rosy, the buboes (pock) appeared on the cheek which was the ring.
A pocketful of posies (there are 2 different answers to this. 1. Posies were said to prevent plague, so naturally they carried them around. 2. When the person would die of plague, they would put posies in their pockets so that nobody would touch them.
Ashes, Ashes (cremation became popular at this time. This was partially because you would have more dead bodies by the time you buried the first batch. Yes, people would die that fast
We all fall down (be creative, this means death.
--so in case you wondered why in every scary movie, there is always some little blond girl singing this very creepily with her friends, this is what makes it so creepy. Can you imagine children happily singing this while the message is gruesome? They would sing this so that people would know not to enter the town because they had the plague. Easier they hear it in a children’s song than to get the plague.
Another Black Death Inspired thing would be the Pied Piper.
So, yea there was this guy in Hamelin (the type of garment he wore was referred to as "pied" and the piper part is obvious) and he thought he knew how to get the plague infected rats to leave the city. For a price. The king and townspeople agreed, so he played his pipe and lured all of the infected rats into the river. They die. Yay! So, when he came back, they refused to pay him. This guy was super angry. So when all of the grown ups were at church for some feast, he got an idea. So he played his pipe and lured 110 of the town’s children into the river.
So, that’s pretty nice. Personally, I find this fascinating. Grown ups are cruel to children. Many of the fairytales are actually really scary. Like Little Red Riding Hood, think about it. I think we had some bell ringer on nursery stories with double meanings. Isn’t life sick?