Snakebite heart with a bubblegum smile.

Today I could tell you about the many loves I have rediscovered, Shelfari and Picnik, and Powerspace (the band), but I don’t exactly feel like this for some reason. I continue.


I feel like such a tool doing this, but due to frequent requests im going to tell you about a commonly overlooked part of everyday life. Wow. That’s the sort of intro that I would give for, MUSTACHES.

Yep, mustaches. They are beautiful, a part of growing up. Though they tend to be scary on old bald men. But, if they’re old and bald, they need as much hair as they can get, even if it looks like a messed up caterpillar.

But if mustaches are so horribly unattractive, why is everyone so drawn to them? Why do all of the scensters (I wanna say hipster, but im afraid that may be wrong) and generally teenagers everywhere with a sense of humor (mostly girls) seem to like them so much?

It may just be that girls don’t have them, and they’re happy that they don’t have them, and they don’t want them, so they become the butt of the joke.

A question asked to me on many the occasion: How do you kiss a guy with a big mustache? Well, I don’t exactly know the answer due to the fact that I don’t kiss men with mustaches. Cause they would be balding. And im pretty sure it’s illegal for me to be with anyone old enough to be balding.

(Note: Sorry old balding big-mustached guys, don’t take this personally, you’re probably a lovely character at heart.)

So, I can’t explain mustaches. I have mustache stories though (Why did they all happen in History?)

1. When we had to do our research project, one group wanted to do mustaches. But obviously mustaches don’t have that much of an influence on the world, so they were denied. They ended up doing something about movies instead. But in the end, they managed to get a picture of them pretending to have mustaches.

2. We took our class picture all holding our fingers above our upper lips, combing our “mustaches”

3. I spam people with pictures of mustaches, all the time.

Oh and just to gross you out a bit: I don’t like mustaches on people mostly because they catch food (think: cheesy mustache). I don’t like facial hair all that much, which is why im constantly telling my guy friends if they need to shave or not.

The best kind of mustache you can have is a chocolate milk mustache. Because if I have one of those, it means I have been drinking a delicious beverage, thus my tummy is happy.

They only attractive facial hair in my opinion is a really cute beard or goatee or something. But you have to be able to pull it off; otherwise you look like an idiot.

Starving Your Friends (Envy On the Coast)..im gonna learn to play, beautiful

We are parallel lines we’re running in circles, We're never meant to cross

Sorry for the stop. Or err, hiatus (I don’t know if you would call this a hiatus or not, but ive always wanted to feel important enough to be able to say that something that has to do with me is on hiatus…it makes me feel like a spoiled brat.)

So anyways, I guess summer just tends to keep people busy. Busy doing next to nothing (except for working). But pretty much loving all of this “nothing”.

I’m afraid that my lack of contact with the world is becoming more than it needs to be. So ill try to contact you if I haven’t in the last month. Don’t be offended if I don’t though.


We will see how far we can blow this up to. Ive always wanted to do a webshow thing, but ive never had enough help, determination, and whatever else you need to start a webshow. SO, hopefully this will be what ive been wanting. But the production meeting is Friday, so more on that.

This weekend I was at Disney. Yay to that. Its really interesting there if you take the time to notice people. Me and my dad sat there in Epcot discussing “Why would someone wear that??, “Do they think they look moderately attractive in those sweatpants?” and “Well, maybe that shirt was a gift from their grandmother they are wearing out of pity.”

Not to mention all of the sweaty men.

And what really gets on my nerves is all of the grumpy people. I really cant stand when parents yell at their children. I think that pretty much breaks my heart. Especially when the children are doing nothing but enjoying Disney World. I have a special place in my heart for children or something, its kinda strange. I have fallen in love with every on of the 4 year olds I teach CCD to.

So, Disney was cool. We stayed in one of those Ft. Wilderness cabins, which was awesome. You had to take a boat to Magic Kingdom. Naturally im singing “I’m On a Boat” the whole time in my head, like an idiot. Hahahahha.

I rediscovered my love of roller coasters, and enlightened my little sister, Britney. Which was awesome, her favorite is Splash Mountain. Mine is Thunder Mountain. To be honest, I was a tad disappointed w/ the new Animal Kingdom one.

So, bogging is back for me. Whatever. But I do need help with ideas, so if you have any, don’t hesitate to send them to the email! Musicislife_321@hotmail.com

Stay Gold. <3

P.S.: Best lyrics i have came across in a long time-- Dog Problems (The Format)
" never finish phrases, I misspell.
Open arms are prison cells.
When I said, "I hate what I've become"
I lied, I hated who I was.
So when you start to wonder 'bout the pain in my throat
Then don't you ever, no never, ever, speak for someone you don't know"

-Look it up, and tell me what it does for you.

Your A Wanker, If Anyone Is

She said she wanted to get high; he took her to the tallest hill in town.




She said that she wanted to stay up all night and drink; he gave her a twelve-pack of caffeinated Pepsi, and said “Drink up.”



She said that she wanted to shoot herself in the face; he gave her a water gun, put her finger on the trigger, aimed it at her face and helped her pull the trigger.



She said that she wanted to cut herself; he took a Polaroid picture of her, handed it to her along with scissors, and had her cut it up.



She said she wanted to cry herself to sleep; he had her watch a sad, romantic

movie before bed.



She said that she wanted to be alone; he gave her a name tag that said “My name is: Alone.”



She said that she wanted to have someone there to take care of her always; he asked when he wasn’t.

--wow

The ones we love, we try to forget

Soo tired. I hate shredding stuff.

I blame the government for my love.

"A pretend life with pretend love, what could be more real?" Gotta love that Pete Wentz











If you want go good book, read Helter Skelter. Why does murder interest me so much?? Oh, but if you hate blood, this book is pretty much the last thing you should read.

Maybe its not my weekend, but this is gonna be my year

So how many people have died in the last week??? Now. RIP Billy Mays. I know its mean, but its good we wont be hearing his voice killing our television speakers anymore. But seriously, we go from no "famous" people dead to 4 in like a week. Somethings up.

Oh yea, Bell Jar sucks. I lost it for like a week and then I found it, but I dont want to read it anymore. Whatever.

Piazza Cavour, what's my life for?

So yesterday when my step-granddad, Dan, walks in and said "Michael Jackson dies" I was basically waiting for the punchline. Then I was waiting to explain to him that I hate jokes like that (i.e, dead babies, hellen keller, jew). But it was true. So today I feel the urge to listen to him, the prince of pop, and whatnot.

And Ferrah Fawcett, which is even more sadness in itself. Now I dont feel like typing anymore. Here::











Pablo Neruda
I Like You When You Are Quiet

I like you when you are quiet because it is as though you are absent,
and you hear me from far away, and my voice does not touch you.
It looks as though your eyes had flown away
and it looks as if a kiss had sealed your mouth.

Like all things are full of my soul
You emerge from the things, full of my soul.
Dream butterfly, you look like my soul,
and you look like a melancoly word.

I like you when you are quiet and it is as though you are distant.
It is as though you are complaining, butterfly in lullaby.
And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you:
let me fall quiet with your own silence.

Let me also speak to you with your silence
Clear like a lamp, simple like a ring.
You are like the night, quiet and constellated.
Your silence is of a star, so far away and solitary.

I like you when you are quiet because it is as though you are absent.
Distant and painful as if you had died.
A word then, a smile is enough.
And I am happy, happy that it is not true.

Get in touch with it all today. Its a good horoscope friday, ive been in need of one of those. also my little sisters birthday which is the second cutest thing in the world.

Everyones a let down it just depends on how far down they can go

There's writing on these walls
We traced the letters and followed on track
Our destination nowhere.
You can feed it false promises
Leave it hanging for days on end
You can steal it and tear it to shreds
Staying charming and sane
Whilst we all fall down
But it always healed
It always found a way to build itself back up.
Until you.
--Can anyone guess what I’m talking about???

I just got off the phone with my twin (Paulina), how cute of her to want to catch up and whatnot. Love her for that. We will be ghetto crashing soon so it’s all good. Except the fact that she’s sworn to kill me the next time she sees me due to the fact that I don’t sustain contact with anyone. (psssssst! She’s reading this and she loves me)

You know I care for you, just not enough to let you go...

Picture:: super duper true. Except the pants can be tight haha. And the music thing is really a deal breaker.

So I'm in Best Buy the other day. I'm waiting in line with my family; my sister was buying her first mp3 player. Which is really cute because she got so excited about it, the only bad thing was that her library of Hannah Montana and HSM is now on my computer, but still.

So anyways, these 3 guys walk in the store. These three are like 13 or 14, they were trying to look all rocker and stuff. One of them had long light brown hair. But it wasn’t even the good type of long hair, it was just totally thin and flat. All wearing these white screen tees probably from some band they don’t even know three songs by.

So they check their surroundings, most likely for someone of the opposite sex to impress. There wasn’t many besides me and like 2 other girls (one of them being my sister). They walk over to the Guitar Hero section thing where they let you play the game. Keep in mind they are trying to look like the types of kids who can play a couple chords or whatever it takes to play Guitar Hero. They make a whole big thirteen-year-old scene of selecting a song, complete with “That’s what she said”s and playful punches. So, needless to say, after their whole charade of song selection, they flunk about a minute into it.

Of course I couldn’t help but to start laughing. Advice: if you are going to act like a bigshot, you best be a bigshot. Otherwise you look like a D-bag (can I say that on a blog, haha) and then you get laughed at. So for everyone who tries too hard, everyone who acts like their something their not: stop. And don’t act so disappointed when you flunk out of guitar hero because if you have the game, 9 times out of 10 you know that you suck and you shouldn’t display your suckishness in public.

So to the whole bf criteria thing: add doesn’t make a fool out of himself in a best buy. And ugly hair (though I think that’s already there, but seriously, you’ve go to have Jesus hair haha). Oh, and Guitar Hero skills are boss too.

Continuing this work thing. Jobs are weird. I'm happy I'm young and won’t have to worry about it for a while. Go youth and irresponsibility.

Note picture: It’s the bounce bounce baby!!!
Its Lady Luck day on June 30. That’s the Cab for all of you musically illiterate children going “Lady Luck, wtf?!?!?” Yep, so buy it, it's gorgey. Though I can’t help but being slightly disappointed that they didn’t do better. But I guess its just one of those situations that it’s impossible to do better than you’re previous. Like Panic, CIWWAF, and maybe All Time Low (though from what ive heard on supjustin, they are gonna own!) But I Am Who I Am totally saved them; this song is addicting (Kayla serves as proof).

Party for me! <3

You dont like me but you love me, either way your wrong. Your gonna miss me when Im gone.

This would be Tom, if he was a girl, and a much meaner person than he really is.












Jio: Omg its not like ur initiation to a gang cmon just show picture of hannah montana and say she my role model! And they can't say anything about it because she's bought out from disney

Jio:Everything from Disney is parent approved lmao

me: well, not everything ;)




okay,, so the new layout messed up the comments box. it wont be found below the posts anymore. Instead you will have to click on the box that says "post comment". as soon as i figure out how to put it back i will. but for now, leave me some love!!

more writing later. Currently w/o flash drive..

And it's one for the Dagger and another for the one you believe

Yea. So its www.failblog.org they made a .org for other peoples failures! Society, haha. Just like fmls. I was thinking; its an fml in itself to think that what you do is an fml. But check out failblog if your bored, its fun to laugh at the stupidness of others.

Pretty miss mary mary quite contrary wont be so pretty for much longer

I was gonna post some long rant/think about cigarettes in professional pictures. I came across this one picture that I really liked and stupidly didn’t save it. So, this will be posted when I re-find that picture. (It was a little girl, so ponder that for a while).

For now I guess I will just spill out random facts…

-You know that someone is your best friend if you’re in a really good mood and this person depresses the shit out of you and you still love them.
-I got so many cute pictures yesterday and I really feel the urge to post all of them. But I suppose that would annoy.
-I like summer. It’s like the school year except I'm not procrastinating or being lazy. You just lost the game!!!It makes me happy.
-Everything I like is cute and everything I dislike is a poser.

-I think that all food should have letters on it. Then we can spell out secret messages, dirty things :P, and lunch would be alot more fun.
-I enjoy misusing adjectives and pronouns and stuff and using words in the wrong context.
-I love adding ‘I’s and ‘y’s and ‘s’ to the end of every word.
-I try to use large words as much as possible.

-Most sexy spanish words: Mustasa y ormiga ;)
-I might go to New York in a week
-My power was out for like 4 hours the other night. So I attempted to play improv games with my neighbors. Never doing that again.
-I can curse you out in Russian!
-I hate the Ice Cream trucks. I enjoy when they bring me ice cream, I just don’t like that annoying noise. Especially if I'm broke, it just disappoints. And everyone starts going crazy to run out and catch it. It becomes this huge neighborhood affair in which everyone starts singing (usually that "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream." song) and I hate singing, if it’s not me, or convenient, or easy on the ears.
-Chester French makes me smile. ""You may ask, ‘what does this band sound like’…well how about if you put the Beatles and Outcast together. Yes, they sound that good!"
-I can’t wink, whistle, or roll my "R"s.
-I am scared silly of dragonflies.
-I know Rent and Spring Awakening practically by heart.
-I was hiding under your porch because I love you.

-I'm now determinded to move to London despite of how sucky it can be. I think it would be awesome to live there and pick up the accent and stuff (maybe even Australia or somewhere in the U.K.)

End of story, I fade to black inside

He makes me happy.

In spanish, esperar means to hope. Ironically, it also means to wait.

super cute, super tru. reminds me of how i used to be. i dont really do this anymore (uniforms get in the way):
"DONT BE SCARED TO TRY NEW THINGS GO INTO OLD MEMORIES DRESS LIKE YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE 10 DRESS LIKE YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE CHARACTERS WEAR FUNNY HATS PAINT YOUR FACES WEAR UGLY OUT OF STYLE SHOES THAT YOU STILL LOVE OR HIPPY SANDALS DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR YOU WANT WEAR HUGE T SHIRTS DON’T BRUSH YOUR HAIR FOR WEEKS PIERCE YOUR NOSE YOUR EYEBROW YOUR LIP FOR FUN IT WILL GROW BACK TRY SOMETHING FROM YOUR MOMS CLOSET TIE 3 FLANNELS AROUND YOUR WAIST PAINT THINGS ON WHITE HANES T SHIRTS PAINT YOUR BAGS WITH SUNSHINE CARTOONS AND NEW MEXICO SYMBOLS RUBBER BAND FEATHERS INTO YOUR HAIR KNOT CHAINS TO DENIM JACKETS RE-LACE YOUR SHOES WITH POLKA DOT FABRICS GET YOUR FRIENDS TO KISS YOU ALL OVER YOUR FACE WITH RED LIPSTICK TELL EVERYONE “I LOVE YOU” AND SEE WHAT THEY SAY DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE MADE FUN OF.


FASHION IS JUST CREATIVE MINDS DREAMING AND BRINGING IT TO LIFE. EACH DESIGNER IS A NERD BECAUSE HE IS NOT AFRAID OF HOW HE LOOKS. HAVE FUN BEING YOU… IT ONLY HAPPENS ONCE."

you can dream, you can dream, but you’ll always just wake up…

They are all mine. Every single one of them. (Especially the bottom left). Can you get married to six different people??? The Academy Is...gorgey (that was relly cheezy..god im bored)

That’s What It Takes, Dear  (Kristeen Young ft. Patrick Stump)

What Gets You Through The Night (The Audition)..strictly for Diamond

I’m beating on the walls, cause I’m the one that falls

Finished my song. It’s so cute. Took me like a month. Paulina likes it, so I consider it passed! Lyrics to this baby later…

Written in a pizza hut parking lot::
"You won’t ever catch these eyes again
Every verse
Sprawled across the floors we walked
Every line stolen, every care spent
Every breath taken, everyone left
Parasitical- we only took
Now we’ve got no one to run to
I always knew it comes to this
As I take you in, one last time
We shared emotions- not crossing lines
Crossing lives
Our cards were drawn
This joke was never meant to be
The embrace- eyes told the truth
We were the expected
In our own worlds
As you understand- taking it in
Looking to lead it to yourself"

I was seriously considering buying a trench coat a while ago. They look so cute. I remember everyone used to wear them at school. But before you buy a trench coat, ask yourself- Will I be able to function properly in a trench coat. No, I'm not referring to the length of a trench coat, but the mindset of a trench coat. I know if was wearing a trench coat, I’d run around pretending to be some sort of a secret agent. I would run around the grocery store smiling because I know what really happened to their fruit before it got in the basket (that made no sense whatsoever, but use your imagination). Or at the mall, I would do that thing where you walk fast and purposely against the wall with your fingers in that cute gun shape, trying to avoid being seen by people but miserably failing. That would probably get me sent to some in sanitarium or wherever the crazies go. So, I think I am going to hold out on the trench coat thing.
I have recently decided that I really want to move to London. Somewhere British or English or whatever. But just so that I can acquire a British accent and all of that cute lingo. Then I will rush back here to show off my adorableness.

Got like 10 of those psychology books. 15 pages into the Bell Jar. Still waiting to see why this book is so awesome.

I wish I would have listened when I figured out, I knew you from the inside.

I want to write my second song to listen to thing. But I think this time it will be a band. Not even one that I'm extremely familiar with. Brightwood. I think the reason that this band sticks out to me is because of the vocals. On the 2 songs that I have, the vocals are chilling.
Have you ever listened to a song and thought: Hey, this should be in a movie? Or maybe you could have sworn it was in a movie but it wasn’t. This is it. It’s strange but I think that my mom may just like them. Which is rare. She claims to like most of it but I think she can’t stand most of the punk and electronic that I listen to. But this music makes me happy.
They have everything going for them lyrically and the sound is gorgeous. And they’re super chill. Their not punk or popish. More down to earth. They kind of remind me of the Script (but then again, everything is reminding me of the Script right now due to the fact that I'm obsessed). You can take any line from their songs and get an awesome quote. You can’t do that with a lot of bands, trust me, I get bored and I try. They use standard instruments but they have this crazy almost electronic sound that makes them addicting. And the songs never get old.
So instead of one song I'm recommending a band. Or really, the two songs that I know: -Swan Song, -Sit Still.

Coming soon: crazy in-depth review of The Cab so that I can maybe convince the units to let me go to the concert. Then my obsession will be fulfilled. This band is actually pretty interesting so I’ll get to work on that soon. And their trying to get me to do some sort of brain work over the summer, like a research project, and this is research so here I go. Hopefully it will fill the blank summer hours that occasionally happen. Wow, I'm pathetic.

It's the same game I play 'till the give becomes the take

Me! I love quizzys

Spontaneous Idealists are creative, lively and open-minded persons. They are humorous and dispose of a contagious zest for life. Their enthusiasm and sparkling energy inspires others and sweeps them along. They enjoy being together with other people and often have an uncanny intuition for their motivations and potential. Spontaneous Idealists are masters of communication and very amusing and gifted entertainers. Fun and variety are guaranteed when they are around. However, they are sometimes somewhat too impulsive in dealing with others and can hurt people without really meaning to do so, due to their direct and sometimes critical nature.

This personality type is a keen and alert observer; they miss nothing which is going on around them. In extreme cases, they tend to be oversensitive and exaggeratedly alert and are inwardly always ready to jump. Life for them is an exciting drama full of emotionality. However, they quickly become bored when things repeat themselves and too much detailed work and care is required. Their creativity, their imaginativeness and their originality become most noticeable when developing new projects and ideas - they then leave the meticulous implementation of the whole to others. On the whole, Spontaneous Idealists attach great value to their inner and outward independence and do not like accepting a subordinate role. They therefore have problems with hierarchies and authorities. Learn more about the Spontaneous Idealist at work ...

If you have a Spontaneous Idealist as your friend, you will never be bored; with them, you can enjoy life to the full and celebrate the best parties. At the same time, they are warm, sensitive, attentive and always willing to help. If Spontaneous Idealists have just fallen in love, the sky is full of violins and their new partners are showered with attention and affection. This type then bubbles over with charm, tenderness and imagination. But, unfortunately, it soon becomes boring for them once the novelty has worn off. Boring everyday life in a partnership is not for them so that many Spontaneous Idealists slip from one affair into another. However, should the partner manage to keep their curiosity alive and not let routine and familiarity gain the upper hand, Spontaneous Idealists can be inspiring and loving partners. Learn more about the Spontaneous Idealist in love ...

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

Pushing Daisies quote:: Im going to punch you in the snotlocker! (that cracked me up for like 20 minutes, i think i was delirious saturday nittee

SO no camp for like 6 weeks :/ once again im dissapointed. but at least now im technically free and stuff. ive had this throbbing headache forever now: too much thinkings, too many things going wrong. getting those books aftr mom gets off work. and i may have a summer job (job!) lol, jappy on sat??

Make out kids never have the chance to be best friends

Once again my lack of introduction gets to me. It’s been two months since she has last seen that smile. Two months since he have whispered into her ear. She now struggle to keep good memories alive. Questioning every day; if he was still here, what would he say? Reminding herself of the little things. His favorite book, color, song, place to study. Anything to keep the memory alive.
Flashback to the last night. They both knew it was over. But she couldn’t seem to convince herself that it was. She was willing to change, to do anything, to be anything. She wanted to be his everything. Because he were her everything. But his mind was already made up. It was one fight too late.
She can still remember the way he held my hand. The way he’d look at her. The way he would call her name from across the room. The way he’d make her feel like they knew each other best, that nothing could get in between them. Anything spoken from his lips was the most important thing. So eloquent, it could change her strongest feelings. And she had hoped that he felt the same.
The night after she couldn’t bear it. Piercing blue eyes caught him from across the room. And she found herself doing everything he told her not to. Pushing the limits, to faze him. She knew that she still had a little power over him.
But in the end, she was hurt even more. She knows she can’t get out of this. That half of her just died. How long will it take to grow back?

Just a few incomplete compiled thoughts (*motions above and below*)

I guess sometimes people have too much control over each other. Do they realize that when they leave they take with them a huge part of the other person? Probably not.

If you lost someone, don’t fight it. I think instead of just letting people go, we should fight back. If you’re going to lose someone, don’t lose them without a fight. This goes in any situation. Take this as an opportunity to tell them how you really feel. I hate to compare relationships to algebra, but: You already lost this person; this person was your everything, so you now have nothing to lose. If this fails, you’re exactly where you were before. But now, you don’t have to wonder anymore. And if you succeed, well, you succeeded.

I wish life was more like the movies. That everybody has a happily ever after. That no matter how shitty it seems something good always happens in the end. And they play that pretty outro music. And if it is going to be a movie outro, it better be one of those black and white movies where they show the fancy white “The End” and play some cheesy song with a lot of trumpets or something happy.

Though we all know life is noting but agreeable. So us heartbroken stand separate, together, but always alone.

I guess i wish that everyone would just stick up for what they love. and stop being so afraid. so weak. if we all took risks for our happiness every once in a while, maybe this world wouldnt suck so much.

To be continued...

You are they key to my organs

"Who needs to know that you bought milk, or that your cat threw up, or your plants are dying or other trivial facts about your life? if you want them to know, you call them because they'll care enough to listen to you instead of getting it blandly through some letters on a public website. theres no feeling or meaning, i think."-kayla during our angry conversation on twitter.--sorry guys, i dont have a cat and no plants to begin with. but i blogg it all the way. i love kayla haha.."have you seen mitchell musso????fake voice, indie poser clothes, and a superficial catchy tune? who is he kidding? he got his big start with hannah montana and theres no living that down" --she makes late night instant messaging so much more ranting..nd her analysis reminds me of something else..


question of the week?- how do you tell a freind that enough is enough without sounding mean, jealous, un-friend-like, and any other negative part?? when you know they wont listen in the long run? is it worth it anyway??

They're hugging that pride like its all there is

Hmmmm...I hope that you think of me every day. With the change of the wind, with whatever else may leave an effect. It doesnt make sense, but neither do these lives. I hope you cant put the words in the right context, that you cant understand their words, your actions. I hope you thank me. And I would say likewise. Trying not to be bitter and all that jazz. Things are changing. Try to smile. And remember what you did. Multiple times. I hope you start to see things in a different light, and you change. (I'd love to comment on what Id actually like to happen to you, but im done with negativity, at least for now) Breath in deeply, let your senses show you the way. Release the demons, and work on yourself. Hopefully history wont repeat itself, but on second thought: it probably will. SO have fun on your little cycle and try to keep others out of it.

One week of summer down. Kinda loving it. Camp next week (if I get next week, but hopefully I will. Planning to finally do this shoe shopping shenanigans (did i spell that right) with whoever this weekend. So with a smile on my face I continue to type. (I amuse myself)

I think summers going to be a good thing. A break of school, and the school people I needed so desperatly to get away from.

Oh and I had this really weird dream last night. Well a few of them lately. Like a week ago I had a dream I was at a concert/school/mall and I had to do some game show involving the tshirt wall thing at hot topic and run alot and some strange drinking game. we had to run a crazy distance, haha. But I couldnt run anymore and then we were at disney world (still running) and I was running with Karen and Diamind and Jio. But then my legs gave out and I fell and im pretty sure I broke something. So Jio had to carry me the rest of the way. Im pretty sure we lost.

Last night I was at my friend Stacys house (ghetto!! :P) and we went to some park that was convinently in her back yard but then we hopped the fence and went in her house but in some other room was a hallway with the teachers lounge with awesome vending machines. so we (stacy, nia, and i) bought icecream and met back with pau nd some other kids i met at a party and we talked about how much we enjoy eating ice cream. then we went to the flea market and bought skirts and these insane bracelets. my dad came to pick me up and we were going to meet gabi somewhere (i think it was that japanese resturant were going to next week) but it was one of those dreams where you never seem to get where you need to go and you feel like shit because you cant control anything. then i was suddenly at home because i had to change but i couldnt figure out what i wanted to wear and then i couldnt take the outfit i was already wearing off. eventually i was wearing this awesome blue shirt and the cute little skirt and i was back in the car. but it was going so slowly again. i think i just got really pissed and woke up.

enjoying my "me" time. havent talked to any of you in a week (except kayla and pau) ive decided that i am going to read every single psychology book on the reccomended list (43) maybe I will learn a bit about myself. and why every one of my dreams involve a game show or me struggling to get what i want. at least im dreaming again.

Just a lyrical lie, made up in my mind

"What more could your love do for me? Why live life from dream to dream, and dread the day when dreaming ends? One day I'll fly away." ♥ [The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return]

When you think things are getting better, remember we're best friends for never.

Sean: "I began the book because I wanted to tell Libby's story. Her truth. But for every life that's recorded in words, printed, made tangible...there are thousands of unwritten lives intersecting it. Each one a seperate truth,leading to its own ending."--Bee-Luther Hatchee (A play by Thomas Gibbons)

my music for today--
-Panic Switch (Silversun Pickups)
-Best Friends For Never (Dropout Year)
-Body Bag (HIt the Lights)
-I Got It (Galatic)
----my music taste sucks today <3

Taking my chances, her beating heart dances

Because GOD FORBID yo get shot and lose your music..they r teseted on mythbusters to acutally work (of cours ur ipod needs to b bigger than the bullet nd u need to get enough courage to actually thrust ur ipod in the direction of the bullets)...i wonder if u can make some sort of bullet proof vest out of these...

But the truth is: I only have myself to blame

Somethings are never meant to be defined.

Think about how everyone affects everybody else. In the decisions we make, in the fact that we are born: there for each other. Wow, I have no idea how to start this. There is no opening, no closing (though some conclusions) just details, harsh realities.
My best friend has two adopted siblings. A boy and a girl, each from different families. They both come from horrible homes, as most of these children do. I think that to fully understand the pain, you need to meet these children.
The boy is the same age as my younger sister. They are both going to fifth grade in the fall. He's hyper, crazy hyper, and he just makes you happy everytime you see him. He loves power rangers, riding his scooter, and playing video games. He's athletic, though he isn’t exactly good at the sports he plays because in actuality he's quite klutzy. He's crazy flexible, Everytime I'm with him he demands on showing me his headstand. He runs circles around you, and makes crazy noises, and jokes and just is so full of life. He always has his “Dad” put dreds in his hair. He's super tall for his age and I always remember him to wear a striped navy polo and light jeans (I have no idea why, I guess he wears that a lot). He's super polite, and likes macaroni and cheese and firefighters. Ive never seen him sad.
For a while now, he's had this habit of jerking in his sleep. He bangs his head and body against the wall. You can hear the thumping in the next room. He has no idea that he does it. It’s scary, because he's subconsciously hurting himself. Well, his “Mom” has been reading up on it. Turns out, that doing this is some strange form of “comfort” for the child. Everything that happens to you as a baby effects how you grow up. Your senses, your perception of life. All my best friend could think while she heard this story was, “They didn’t hold him enough.” This child has learning problems. It’s unsure if it comes from the crack his pregnant mother did, or just normal childhood problems like ADD. Sometimes he just doesn’t understand things. He shrugs away from your touch. He lets you hug him, but you can tell that it hurts, and he makes himself smaller.
This girl is in first grade. Everyone who meets her can’t help but fall in love. She’s full of curiosity. And she’s so smart. One day she sat down next to her sister and said “Teach me multiplication.” Within 3 hours, she had it down. How many first graders do multiplication? Her goal is to meet Hannah Montana. She’s taller than my sister going into fifth grade. She loves pink. One time, when me and Gabi slept over, she started walking around in a sparkly dress, high heels, and a feather boa (all pink), to “show off”. She’s super shy. She always asks to say hi to me on the phone. She has a strange sense of humor. Whenever anyone says something she doesn’t agree with she’ll reply with a prompt “Shut up you eyeball!” of “Nobody cares, old man!” She thinks lol means lollipops.
She has four siblings ahead of her. They live with their grandmothers in a one bedroom apartment. She was adopted because the grandma couldn’t take another kid. She has no job, no car. The Grandmother has to take care of all these children because her addict daughter cannot. A few weeks ago, a friend foster mother called. Apparently, this lady has popped out three more children after this girl. The youngest one, still at the hospital as a premature baby.
Both these children know that they are adopted. They just don’t fully understand what it really means. They just know that, though they may not look like their mommy ad daddy, they love them just as much, if not more, than their real mommies and daddies.
There are so many feelings going around, that I can’t put order to them. What kind of person would have eight children, and give them all up. Who does that? She has no idea what she gave up. That if she knew her daughter, she would love her and take it all back. But you know what, she wouldn’t, she wouldn’t care. The monster. It takes a lot of yourself to understand that your morals are not the world. These things that happen nowadays, people think that just because they haven’t experienced them, and they can’t imagine them, they don’t happen. But it’s like that. People give away their children, never wishing to see them again. These children grow up to be wonderful people that change the world. The scientist who cures cancer. The next president. The artist who paints or writes or does whatever they do, and save lives with their work. The firefighter. The teacher, the consular, the best friend. And the parent still doesn’t care. Maybe them going away is a good thing. These children suffer in the long run. They have trust issues and insecurities. They feel they have no value. That nobody loves them. It’s so hard to overcome that.
If you live in a horrible environment, control yourself. Care for these children. If not after you have them, while you’re pregnant. You’re hurting these children unnecessarily.
I have no idea how to close this. Just a story. As the little girl ran across the house while she was playing with her puppy, my best friend grabbed on to her. She squeezed so tightly. “Let go of me, stupidhead” the girl said as she tried to leave. “No, Karebear”, she said, “I will never let go of you.”

Id rather be alone

xI didn’t tell you.x xI didn’t tell you because I liked acting like everything was okay.x xThat one person didn’t think badly of how I feel. xMy jumbled emotions.x xYes I regret it.x xI probably should have revealed this a lot earlier.x xBut I didn’t want your perception of me to change.x xBut you know that.x xYou know I love you.x

I know I didn’t say enough. But who says you can’t go forcing love?

The years over. I can’t believe that I'm the only cool kid not excited for summer. I think it’s because I'm afraid of change. That seems to be something that runs in the family. I think out of all the school years ive ever had, this was my best one. And my worse. It’s actually quite complicated. I think I'm going to reminisce and try not to cry for a while now, sorry if you get bored. I'm going to try to mention everyone:

McAlister’s scrabbletastic class. Where I convinced everyone that Romeo and Juliet are whores that should die. And Shakespearian day (every Friday, add “ith” to the end of every sentenceith). MAMBO! GO! After West Side story when we danced in the circle of desks. Louis is a ref. and how annoyed she would get when we would call anyone “dude” or “bro”. The jeopardy game that my team (diamond, Joel, Louis) failed. Quran (when he was in the class) saw Beyonce at Burger King! I'm Tom’s wife 8 times. Maria (though that’s more of a Gabi and Diamond thing). Everyone in that class is now aware of my talking through movies problem. This is also the class where I make all my music papers. Singing Rent songs with Annie like everyday. Sandra Cisneros. Bernie’s freaking analogies. Writing on the Bulletin Board. When we painted in the beginning of the year, and me and Annie ruined our uniforms. Melissa had to read that part in Inherit the Wind, but she didn’t want to, so she read it in the most monotone voice ever. Roxanna getting mad as I passed notes to Gabi. GABE. When Tom announced that he wanted to try on my eyeliner (he will regret it, but he Sooo asked). Lots of pretzels. My love of debate. When we used to give up and leave class ranting. Cruefest is August 27. When me and McAllister argued for like a half hour about the context of “herd”. When she said that I should grade all the FCAT essays because I would fail everyone. Alexis always shushed everyone. When Sam brought the cake, said surprise and dropped it. The cake did a 360 and landed on the floor unharmed, if it wasn’t a surprise at first, it sure was then.

Garcia’s temperature malfunctiony classroom. There's so much to say here. Blue Cross Blue Shield Questions. Ghetto Barney. When I had to try Vegemite because of TAI TV. Red Herrings. When we would discuss other teachers. Interviews. My extreme hatred of Pedro (“Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood Morning”) When Diamond and Felipe drew the picture of Sara Palin in a well on my notes (I couldn’t study after that, so I failed). All of those days with subs, like when we sat in the back of class and took pictures. And that one guy with the riddle about hell that made no sense at all. Up against the wall, and it’s all over. That day it was really cold in the portable and we went in the cafeteria (and Felipe left Joamna walking and it took her a few seconds to realize she was talking to herself.). And the people rejoiced. How I answered William Beckett to every single If Question. Veronica: Twinkies. When we went to the computer room to do the college account things, but me and Diamond just compared blogs. Moving the boxes and Felipe and Bernie lost a wheel but kept going. When me and Gabi put Dickies over our Jeans. Mustaches presentation. When the TV actually worked. European history! European fish! European Joamna! When I used to sit by the window and Felipe would always turn around and bang his elbow on the screw coming out of it. Horrible drawing skills. The coat of arms.

Riggins. When she spent about 45 minutes discussing hurricanes. Not the football teams, in-depth into Andrew. Quincy and the cow. We can’t use the restroom when the bear is naked. Yesenia can’t take her hands off of Grant. Stephen and Ernie the Chipmunks. Ernie scratches his belly. Eric the know-it-all. Cupcake is delicious. Sam and Gabi sitting behind me. Ugh! They: 1, sprayed perfume all the time, 2, when Sam started banging the pretzels on the desk, 3, all of the questions and mousy behavior….You put the square in square root. The bottom half of a triangle situation. We spelled Ghetto wrong on purpose, but she pointed it out anyways. When she told me that I'm attracted to bad guys. Supersonic hearing. Eric, are you----------!!! The computer room and the teacher next door got really mad at us. How we all got the giggles during quizzes when didn’t know what the hell we were doing. Primal screams.

Lunch Table Crew. Karen walks. Ref hunting with Jillian. Diamond always bought me lemonade. Karen eats my food. Jio pays me 10 cents every week. All of those pictures with the tongues. The extremely long lunch line. That day I demanded to stand on the bench because I didn’t want to sit don or stand on solid ground. Kissy noises. The huge pile of bags that prevented you from talking to anyone across the table. There's the exit, wanna go out? The magical Jeannie of the #$%&@!$ lamp. Shoulder slut. When me and Jilly pretended to be eight graders obsessed with Danny. Deep conversations with Karen. Papa John’s ;) with extra tomato sauce. My sunglasses. Stopping for chats with Latent. Yummiboy. Yummyboy’s friend (shivers*). I always left my science book. Me and Diamond would sing Say Anything songs. The staircase after lunch (remember Dachari??). The ghetto kids who stole our table. Jilly the tree was looking at me funny! When we came back to school and our circle table was like across the spill out so me and Jio and Danny and Karen were men and lifted it. I'm on a boat. Glue Chapstick. I planned out the next 11 months of our friendship. Karen’s motto (to explicit for the internet).

Biology. The walls aren’t real! Boy and girl pinecones, when he took us out of the school and like a block down and everyone was scared we were going to his house to be brutally murdered. Toilet paper. Nobody knows Mr. Ware like his neighbor knows Mr. Ware. Sady’s awesome socks. Crayfish when I gave the whole vegetarian talk. Me and Joamna’s pig names Wilma, but then I liked Sucia better. Carlos and Danny’s pig jesus. How Mr. Ware would just leave class the last 20 minutes. Mouse. Sam’s questions. April Fools Day. When he came in Rhino. When we drank the colored water out of the giant test tubes. Running in place. That weird deer game outside. He accused Stephanie of going out of class for 20 minutes every day. When we came to class late and he went postal. Touching metal. When me and Roxana went to the back of the classroom and drew the Heroes thing all over everything. And then we drew the Jonas Brothers next 3 album covers. Felipe dancing on the table.

Broadcastingness. How it’s full of Satan’s children and basers. The music videos. When Bernie and Chris and Manny and Jake and Ernie mad that blood out of cornstarch or oatmeal or something. How broadcasting terms are very similar to sex education. Ernie, I'm black! Paulina’s my sister. Icecream. Super intimate conversations in the new room. Psycho. Jackie is Sam. Ryan and Brandon = Brian. You’re messing with the wrong white girls. I hold Paulina’s hand with the ghetto. Diaz obsessed with his sons basketball games. When I wrote Stacy’s love letter for her. Snorting powdered sugar. Can we start? Leaving for the “bathroom”. When we convinced all the guys that there are vending machines in the bathroom (they got really mad). Break!!!!!!!! Running around. The security guard who constantly told us to get off the wall. Fixing everybody’s hair and telling them that they smell bad. Me and Paulina constantly annoying each other with our stories about how love sucks. When Nia read the bell ringer superspeedy so we could finish. Jesse (how much can I say about him, ha). The teacher would always knock on the door. Stacy’s awesome jewelry. Cheetah Girls. Those days in the library looking up love quotes when we were supposed to be doing story boards. Icy Tower and that Risk game. How I get super picky when editing but I work awesome under pressure. Leo barking. The sub who recorded the guys trying to break paper with their heads. Stacy’s shoes always smell awesome. FAHNA. All of the almost fights. Shooting the music video and I had to dance on the lunch tables. And Homecoming package. Taken is the best movie ever.

This year was awesome. You see why. Of course, being a downer and all, I can write just as much bad things. But I won’t. Hopefully next year will stand up.. I don’t want to have to lose anything else. I'm super tires. In a week I'm working at camp so it’s all good. But this summer the burger party needs to happen.

Oh, and the whole biography/autobiography thing wasn’t working out. But I started writing this letter for Diamond. That’s when I realized that it’s much better writing your life as if you’re telling it to someone else. Instead of summarizing it with a bunch of “she’s”.

For now I'm going to chill. Do nothing. Not go anywhere. Catch up on sleep. Make summer playlists that kill. But if I'm in your contacts, I'm said to make great phone conversations.

Oh, and Pushing Daisies…you must watch!

Cross your fingers and hope he doesnt wait up for you. cause my touch lingers, it will be written all over you

Presented Garcia project with Mellissa on Invisible Children a while ago. Though, Pete Wentz would have been a much better topic (except for that; mustaches and their effect on history, I support that group).
I don’t have much to say, I'm just writing boredly. Brightening people’s days (as I have been informed like 537658375 times in my “yearbook”).

There is nothing constant in my life. No one constant in my life. Good to know.

Maybe I’ll continue my vignette journal with this, I have one in case you didn’t know. But this one isn’t the one I bring to school everyday. Haha. And I'm starting this little autobiography (that’s when you write about yourself, right?)

Been singing We Made You for the last week or so. Eminem needs to go bye-bye. From my head at least, I feel dirty.

One of my favorite things in the world is that ongoing competition for my affection (Annie, Diamond, nd occasionally Pauli) w/ mixy cds and more musical love

New Favorite Band: You, Me, and Everyone We Know
-happy music. ish. my mom says i need to listen to more of it or im one step closer to that psychairatrist (and, no, not Joamna, more on it later)

Listen to: Dirty Laundry

More reason to mourn not beiong able to go to Warped

And proof its good: Diamond said YMAEWK stole some of the % of her heart from the Audition.

Musical Guru Strikes AGAIN...



He loves you like a truck stop screw
"When we're alone he adores me"
You best get it straight, say it
"When we're both dressed you just bore me"---Life

I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. (Sweet dreams and flying machines, and peices on the ground)

The worst thing you can possibly do is fall in love with your best friend. That’s exactly what I told her. But she wouldn’t listen. I told her not to get too attached. That when she loses him, she would also lose herself. How do you “re-find” yourself? That’s the task she now faces.

Every relationship fails. I’ve explained this to so many people. A relationship is a short thing (don’t counter and say that 5 years is not short, look at your whole life, 5 years isn’t that long) set up for failure. The only kind of relationship that works would be one that turns into a relationship that turns into a marriage. But look at the divorce rate now. Your first relationship isn’t meant to be. The first few years. Everything ends.
And age factors into it all. Chances are, you are not going to find lasting love at 16 or 17. And if you do, they probably weren’t your first love. There's trials. And it’s all part of life.
Sure love starts out great. You think about this person all the time. They become your life, your best friend, your everything, blah, blah, blah. But you become blinded to this persons imperfections. Fighting happens. You both start realizing things about each other. Accusations are made, and eventually, you split up. It always happens, it has to. Its part of the process.
A wise man once spoke to me and my friend “Relationships are just fillers.” He's married now, so needless to say, his “filler” worked out. But we don’t need this. Yes it’s desirable, even for me, but too arduous to keep. People are wasting their lives looking for love when they should really be getting off their lazy behinds and starting a future for themselves.
Listening to me is not going to soften the blow. Nothing will. That’s also part of the relationship process. Your heart was broken. I understand. I can’t say I haven’t been here before. No, I don’t know what you should do now. I can’t exactly offer you expert advice. Healing happens on its own. Yes it will take a long time, but I will be there. In 2 or 3 months something better will come around and you will forget all of it.
--that’s total crap. You will never forget any of this. It’s impossible to get over things like this. Everything you do, everything you think will revolve around him. The best you can do is force yourself to smile and move on. Push it to the back of your head. And make new memories to replace the old. And if you can be friends, that’s great. In some cases you have to. Especially yours. I won’t say to pretend nothing happened, cause that’s pretty bitchy, but try to push the memories away. Avoid anything that will make you sad, nobody likes a clingy whiner. But you’re bitter, you can’t smile. You don’t want to laugh. You’re becoming a horrible person, and you can’t stand him for making you this way.
It will be hard. You’ll find yourself opening your notebook to pages filled up with his name. Doodles, poems, things that make you feel sick. When your friend mentions his name, and your heart races, forgetting it wasn’t meant to be. A song on the radio, a television commercial, his favorite color. The first few weeks you find yourself living only to see his smile (sorta like living paycheck to paycheck). It reminds you of when you first started out. But this time, you’re moving on.

When you turn the sink on and the water is so hot it feels cold. Until your under the faucet long enough to realize that your skin is burning. When you don’t sleep for 3 days and you’re running on so much adrenaline it seems that nothings wrong, if not extra hyperness. Until you crash. Is that analogous to love?
What really is love? That’s what it all circles back around to.

Calm me with your lies, your simple tradgedy.

Never underestimate people. Sometimes they hide themselves, well. I was talking with some friends a week or so ago. It was a pretty deep conversation. Something about depression. And I admitted to not being the happiest of people. This didn’t come as a surprise to most of them. But one of my socially awkward peers pulls me aside. He says “Jeannie that can’t be true, if you considered anything like that, you’d tell everybody you can before anything.” Really? Do you really think I'm that airheaded? Well I'm not. Ive been getting a lot of comments about that lately. “Jeannie, what’s so wrong with your life.” I don’t share with people often, or easily. Only one person in this world truly knows what’s going on in this pretty little head of mine. Hahaha. Just because I don’t go blurting out my problems doesn’t mean I don’t have them. And the airheadness, sweetness, or whatever type of person you take me for: have you ever considered the fact that I'm just really good at acting? Or pretending I'm something I'm not? And if you are close to me, and I don’t expect you to Dr. Phil me to the death, you’re probably someone I enjoy talking to. Listening to. Or maybe all of my problems have to do with you. And that’s why I don’t share them with you. But you will never know that. I'm the type of person that enjoys drowning herself in other people’s problems. Sometimes. Occasionally I get overwhelmed though. And end up even more depressed. But if I focus on other people, I don’t have to think about myself. People never let themselves shine through. At least I don’t. If you’re close to me, good for you, but that doesn’t mean you have to know everything. Continue to talk to me though, because I would hate to have to focus on myself. If you’re going to be there for someone, be there. Don’t doubt them or ask questions or anything, just comfort them. If their asking for consolation, then give it to them. Tell them something. Remind them that they matter, how much you care for them. Don’t spend your time telling them their stupid for feeling how they do, or telling them they don’t have problems. Cause 9 times out of 10 they do. And they don’t have to tell you. And just because their not out in the open, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. They know, I know, when I go to these people (the ones my problems revolve around), it will only get worse. I'm living on false hopes. Don’t be surprised at what people are really thinking about when their bobbing their heads to music. Or laughing at a conversation. No matter how airheaded they may normally seem.

Theres the poison, and the antedote. theres a cigarette, and the songs i wrote

Sitting in my messy room. It’s raining again. I love this weather. Makes you want to curl up with a book, too bad I don’t have one.
This weekend I tried to teach myself the guitar. It pretty much annoyed the crap out of everyone in my household. Not bad, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Maybe it’s off key or something. My friend said his brother (or was it sister) gives lessons, I’ll look in to that.
There is no such thing as a true friend. (Nobody get offended, half of me is just writing to write, but half of me feels this. Don’t pee yourself Kayla) the only thing you can have is your truest friend. There is no saint to befriend. So naturally, you won’t have perfect ones.
We talk behind each others backs, ignore each other, and sometimes humiliate each other. Everyone does it. Maybe they just don’t realize it. But it becomes unbearable. When someone you are close to becomes your enemy. Almost a competition. Maybe we don’t have “best friends” just second best. But who takes the first?
Tangent: Paulina pointed out “I don’t keep secrets, that way everybody knows everything. Nobody talks about anything behind my back, and I'm not set up for as much disappointment.” This almost reminds me of the whole, set low goals if any, so you won’t be as disappointed if you don’t reach them. Or is it doesn’t set any goals at all, so the littlest feat means a lot. Same concept I guess.
Nobody’s perfect. So we just have to make do. I hate people. I hate drama. I'm sick of this. I wish people would stop being bipolar and just take me or leave me. I'm way too confused and I feel stretched out.

Beating Heart Baby (Head Automatica)...my 1st semester song.lol

Help Im alive my heart keeps beating lie a hammer. Hard to be soft. Tough to be tender.

ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

I don’t want your heart to bleed, cause your heart is all I need.

Not to be all hypocritical and all being in a television production class, but I hate the media. Specifically the stories following Jon and Kate Plus Eight. I really don’t care about them; they just have some stupid TLC show that my friends occasionally watch. For a while ive been seeing stories about Jon cheating on his wife. Big deal! And yes I'm against cheating and all, but they are making too big a deal of it. They make a huge deal of everything. But the J&K crisis seems like something people really shouldn’t be focusing on. Maybe its cause Britney’s on vacation or something.
The worst thing is, that somewhere deep down J&K are most likely enjoying the publicity. Maybe this is all a fake. And if the fact that “Their marriage is falling down the tubes.” Is true, then sad for them. Surely their ratings went up like 500% with this. But those poor girls (the ones Jon was photographed with) they are now known as the sluts who went with the TLC dad of 8. They had to know who he was. And since they did, shouldn’t they have stayed away from him in fear of his wife. Imagine they are forced to clip coupons or something for the rest of their lives just for touching him. He's not even that attractive. I don’t get it.
If the man is going to cheat, don’t publicize it. Can’t the media focus on good things. Can they have specials on the telley about the top trustworthy partners or something? Why is it that everything is about cheating, or rape, or murder, or something that most people cant stomach, or stealing, or hurricanes, or really bad movie commercials about all of this packed into 2 hours? Nope, anything for the ratings,
----I feel like such a hypocrite right now.
But Kate is creepy. Just for the record, I wasn’t surprised to hear their marriage was less than ideal. Poor man, he has Kate, 8 kids, and a camera crew running around him all day. Everytime I flip to this show, I feel sorry for the man.
Yesterday, I was listening to the car radio and the girl was like “Why would Jon do something like this, he has 8 beautiful children?” I don’t believe that this is really wrong cause he has 8 children. It’s more of a values thing. He deserves better and I'm sure if they divorce, the kids will have a new daddy within 8 months. There has to be some freakish old man who would just love to be with Kate, maybe he's attracted to bitchiness.
Point is, anyone can cheat. It happens in most relationships. But I don’t think it should be publicized like this. Do the media think they are helping? Probably not, cause their not trying. In fact, their hoping for things to get worse, so they can get another weeks salary.

Because we'll sail through the sleazy seas, Past all the casting couches, rug burned knees

The best way To make it through With hearts and wrists intact Is to realize Two out of three ain't bad

<3 bored..... more later, i wrote about jon and kate plus eight

And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

sorry its 1245 and this feels relevant. along with my newfound obsession in The Script <3..musical soulmates..-very helpful

As I’m looking to the sky to count the stars, I wonder if you see them where you are.

So psycho draft is finished. We got a D. I think it was the worst one that Diaz has ever seen. We were supposed to shoot the real one today, but that didn’t happen. Thursday, I think.—Sneakerhead!
And I have recently discovered my love of croissants. I love it when McAllister gives us food.
Bernie: Tom’s extra talkative today, what do you think he had for breakfast?
Roxanna: I don’t know, probably a parrot or something.

Think about the following spoken to a friend who shared the contemplation with me:
--Have you ever lost something that you wanted to lose and gained something that you thought you wanted but in the end, the thing you lost is what you really wanted and the thing you gained is what you wish you’d lost?

Saturday, some of my old friends met some of my new friends. They seemed to mix well. It was, what was oddly described to me as, “A pretty little group of people.” They highlights were singing But Its Better If You Do. (The clean version…”Praying for love and a hat dance.”) And watching Hailey and Joamna and Rachel and Jason trying to transfer their mixed drinks (pour everyone’s into a giant glass) into an empty cup using only their straws. When this was done we went to Petco. Enough said.

Now I think I'm going to rant. Not a mad rant, is it even a rant? I'm not that sure. But I want to express a concept called to my attention. Mostly through the broadcasting guys. I thought that I’d keep this to myself like Sandra Cisneros advised me to. But I think I pretty much go against everybody’s advice anyways.
So lately ive taken part in some interesting conversations. They are basically about what guys find attractive in girls. And vice versa. So my friends said that guys generally like thick girls. Okay, maybe that was the wrong term to use. I mean thick as in thighs, and a stomach. This pretty much goes against everything I was taught.
My old school was so different from this one. Maybe since I'm transfer. The kids aren’t the same. Different values, different ideas of “socially acceptable”. All my life I have been taught that skinny is beautiful. That if you don’t fit into a size 3, your fat. And nobody likes you. That was an exaggeration, but I’m sure everyone understands. There was this pressure to be skinny. And sad to say, I never was skinny. I never was fat either. But I never was happy with how I looked.
So this year, I decided to loose the weight. It was really 15 pounds, and it wasn’t hard. I'm sure I didn’t loose it the right way, but it works. Now instead of pushing a 5, I fit into a 3. And a small shirt size.
I really don’t want to go into a related anorexia thing, so I won’t. I'm still not satisfied, and I don’t think I ever will be. But as Tom says; “I don’t want to talk about it man.” And I realize I'm being semi-personal, but deal with it. Weight is a rollercoaster, along with many other aspects of life.
So now, after I loose, I am told that that is not the ideal. Which is outrageous. But for me, it’s a loose-loose. When I go to school I have to be not skinny. But where I live (kinda far away) the people expect you to be skinny. I can’t be both!
Fitting in is too hard nowadays. The standards are crazy. You can’t be what everybody else is. Or expects you to be. And why does everybody strive to be perfect. It’s too hard. The closer we get to it, the farther it gets. Like the horse with the carrot tied in front of it. Everybody just wants to be accepted. To be loved. Maybe some people just aren’t meant to have that. No matter how many changes they make, nobody cares. Or takes notice. Will they end up alone? Wow. I really need to get my head fixed.

Waiting. Fading. Floating Away.

Sorry. I realized that I haven’t posted much. For a week exactly. I won’t go into my schedule but it was lengthy. And even when I was free, I was too ugh to write anyways. Life’s just been whatever, and I doubt it gets better.

I think life pretty much comes down to trust. If you can’t trust anyone, you can’t live. You can’t do anything. You’re constantly fighting to determine whets real or not. What people are conspiring, who is really on your side. It reaches to point of being quite ridiculous.
But what people do behind your back can be surprising. Even what the do in your face. They hide, they lie, and they change stories. If you feel someone isn’t being real, you should run.
I can tell that about some people. When they “talk down” to you. I really can’t stand it. You can just tell.
But what really gets to me is when you find out that you can’t trust those close to you as much as you thought you could. When words spoken in confidence are twisted and repeated. Lately, its seems as if I can’t tell anyone anything. I'm to worried they will be judgmental. That I will change the way they see me. I don’t trust them to be there.
Using you. Toying with your emotions. Do they realize? Of coured they do. Your just too much a fool to turn away. You think you will be okay, but deep down you know it wont. And you know life goes on, but you feel its over. Cause you know that this will happen again. And that’s the only reliable aspect of this person. More pain.
Should I let go. Maybe my thoughts are obsolete. That’s another thing I do; I have no complete grasp on reality. So confused. And the person I thought would be there has long since disappeared. But don’t worry, cause tomorrow I will forget this all. It’s always that way.

She's got the soul of a poet and the fire of a bullet. She is what she is, nothing left or unspoken. She don't love you no more.

It's raining. Actual rain. I love rain. It washes everything away. If only i could rain, protect everyone, cover them. But disappear as quickly as I came. And bounce back to myself to do it again. The storm symptoms are even better. They never fail to make me drowzy. Wanting to sleep, to escape. But ironically, the only thing I've been able to dream about is school. I'm either learning or being confused, or angered, or hurt. Every negative feeling. Just like the norm. And when I wake up, the dream begins. But its a reality.
My newest catch phrase is a cross between an "I don't know." and an "I don't want to talk about it." Which is normally true, but the only person I wish I was'nt fooling is too stupid to realize otherwise.
Lately I've been contemplating with a friend. About love. She is super insightful, so today I asked her, "Who are you so crazy about." Se replied "Nobody, I'm in love with an idea." At that moment, I had an epiphany (thats the correct word, right?). The answer. Love isn't love. You never fall in love with a person. You fall in love with an idea. Are these ideas true? I write as my vision begins to blur. I don't think you fall in love with what someone does. But the whole excitement is for the future. What this person will do? Will they be there?
This is such an incomplete idea. But I think it answered my question. We must love someone that we know will be there, that we know will remember. Someone that we know knows. Instead of falling for someone over stupid present-day things. Or the past. The past is the worse. But how much do I know?
How many poets write about experiences they never have. Do they make the details descriptive enough to feel important? To have something desired?
And my eyes are closing. I wish I could dream the answeres (Kinda like Angela). To feel the future, and then experience it. So that I know the path to take. To know, that I know, that everything I am and everything I am about to be doing is wrong.

So take back your soul; a life to uphold, a lie to be told. Cause lifes not set in stone.

"You live. And you think that your the one who's always gonna be there. Your craving to be there. Needed. But you dont understand that your parasitical. Through actions without realizations. And I'm usually not easy to break. To show. And I can't stand it. Not anymore. Wishes, expectations; that everything is going to be okay. But our plastic smiles tell you otherwise. Everybody knows it. Can the end redeem? How loud can the past scream? Will they hear it? But you dont want to be the one to lose. Though through it all, I do need someone. And it could be you, if only you could pretend. Are you capable? Through these trying times, how much do I really matter to you anyways? These intensities, bottled up, knocking on the walls for a passage, a way out. But there won't be. As I increase this stock. Is it complexity, or just a cry for help? And how different are the two? And your stiff bitter accusations. How difficult is it to censor your lips?"--fml in biology

Don't want to tell you but a year ago this was over.

And please dont worry about me. I can take care of myself. I got out of it before. And it will happen again. Cause history repeats itself. After being branded its first time. And, hey, at least I've made it this far. Lengthwise and without you. So please, dont let this matter. Just stay the same. Cause changes cause the most pain. When you remember what you did have. When you felt complete, or semi-complete. And I'm crying out: How many mistakes am I allowed? Who is going to cry "game over", where are our warnings...As often we find ourselves spiriling downward. Honestly, I know, this will never cure. I apologize for not being what you wanted. And I'm sorry the feelings were'nt mutual. Please.

You are everything I want. Cause you are everything I'm not.

“Sometimes I wish
That you’d just leave
And stop making it so
Hard to breathe

And your whispers
Were slightly heard
They said they wanted lies
And you were there to say the word” –fml at 11:45

Quick thought:
Think back to all the Disney movies that you watched when you were a child. Now try to name one that both parents are alive in. it’s not easy. Ariel didn’t have a father. Cinderella’s mom died. The Lion King; was there parents, I can’t remember? Finding Nemo! Yep, both a mom and a dad! Too bad they decided to kill her off in the first five minutes.
Basically every Disney movie includes death, or violence, or some kind of tragedy. Yes, it does provide for plot, but should a child be exposed to this? Whatever.
I heard that the new movie, I think it’s called Earth, took it too far. Instead of one or two, there were three animal killing scenes. That’s too much. Even the adults were scared by this, so it wasn’t subtle stuff. And it’s never the normal animal to get killed, you always have to watch a child, or an oldie, or a sick one die.
So go Disney. Life is cruel…

But Yay today is my birthday. And I got to wear my pretty dress today. It is a little baggy though. But I got 2 awards and quite a few laughs with Roxana at the ceremony. Oh and cookies, and brownies, and cupcakes. Which I brought to 5th and they were eaten within 30 seconds of being revealed. I didn’t get much of that. But it was all worth it when Jake spit out his oatmeal cookie because he thought it was chocolaty.
And Diamond’s email last Friday was enough for a lifetime of love. And Pauli gave me a letter that almost made me cry with the feelings of being important. And yummy smelling sprays. On the back was this mind-blowing poem. That I'm going to be greedy and keep to myself. I'm so thankful for people like this. Most of the time. People like this never fail to blow my mind (Can I ask you a hypothetical question?)- So yea, pretty interesting day.

Book signing tonight. Grabbing my size 3s and paint-splattered V-Neck as we speak. Or as I type (even though you can’t type and get dressed at the same time) Picking Kayla up later. This might just be interesting.

Oh, and the Psycho mock is finished. Edited. We missed so many shots, and I'm terrible at dying. Which I cover up with the extremely accurate fact that the storyboards were wrong so I didn’t know what to do. Ms. Garcia saw it, and everybody else’s so I'm sure I will be hearing about the hilariosity of this later.

Ice Cream soon. And Self-Titled Album (the Audition) released today. I can’t wait; Lela’s buying it for my prezzie. My favorites are the Running Man and Los Angeles. Los Angeles has the cutest theme; the dude is jealous of Los Angeles because it gets to keep his love for two months. <3>