You are they key to my organs

"Who needs to know that you bought milk, or that your cat threw up, or your plants are dying or other trivial facts about your life? if you want them to know, you call them because they'll care enough to listen to you instead of getting it blandly through some letters on a public website. theres no feeling or meaning, i think."-kayla during our angry conversation on twitter.--sorry guys, i dont have a cat and no plants to begin with. but i blogg it all the way. i love kayla haha.."have you seen mitchell musso????fake voice, indie poser clothes, and a superficial catchy tune? who is he kidding? he got his big start with hannah montana and theres no living that down" --she makes late night instant messaging so much more ranting..nd her analysis reminds me of something else..


question of the week?- how do you tell a freind that enough is enough without sounding mean, jealous, un-friend-like, and any other negative part?? when you know they wont listen in the long run? is it worth it anyway??

Calm me with your lies, your simple tradgedy.

Never underestimate people. Sometimes they hide themselves, well. I was talking with some friends a week or so ago. It was a pretty deep conversation. Something about depression. And I admitted to not being the happiest of people. This didn’t come as a surprise to most of them. But one of my socially awkward peers pulls me aside. He says “Jeannie that can’t be true, if you considered anything like that, you’d tell everybody you can before anything.” Really? Do you really think I'm that airheaded? Well I'm not. Ive been getting a lot of comments about that lately. “Jeannie, what’s so wrong with your life.” I don’t share with people often, or easily. Only one person in this world truly knows what’s going on in this pretty little head of mine. Hahaha. Just because I don’t go blurting out my problems doesn’t mean I don’t have them. And the airheadness, sweetness, or whatever type of person you take me for: have you ever considered the fact that I'm just really good at acting? Or pretending I'm something I'm not? And if you are close to me, and I don’t expect you to Dr. Phil me to the death, you’re probably someone I enjoy talking to. Listening to. Or maybe all of my problems have to do with you. And that’s why I don’t share them with you. But you will never know that. I'm the type of person that enjoys drowning herself in other people’s problems. Sometimes. Occasionally I get overwhelmed though. And end up even more depressed. But if I focus on other people, I don’t have to think about myself. People never let themselves shine through. At least I don’t. If you’re close to me, good for you, but that doesn’t mean you have to know everything. Continue to talk to me though, because I would hate to have to focus on myself. If you’re going to be there for someone, be there. Don’t doubt them or ask questions or anything, just comfort them. If their asking for consolation, then give it to them. Tell them something. Remind them that they matter, how much you care for them. Don’t spend your time telling them their stupid for feeling how they do, or telling them they don’t have problems. Cause 9 times out of 10 they do. And they don’t have to tell you. And just because their not out in the open, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. They know, I know, when I go to these people (the ones my problems revolve around), it will only get worse. I'm living on false hopes. Don’t be surprised at what people are really thinking about when their bobbing their heads to music. Or laughing at a conversation. No matter how airheaded they may normally seem.

Theres the poison, and the antedote. theres a cigarette, and the songs i wrote

Sitting in my messy room. It’s raining again. I love this weather. Makes you want to curl up with a book, too bad I don’t have one.
This weekend I tried to teach myself the guitar. It pretty much annoyed the crap out of everyone in my household. Not bad, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Maybe it’s off key or something. My friend said his brother (or was it sister) gives lessons, I’ll look in to that.
There is no such thing as a true friend. (Nobody get offended, half of me is just writing to write, but half of me feels this. Don’t pee yourself Kayla) the only thing you can have is your truest friend. There is no saint to befriend. So naturally, you won’t have perfect ones.
We talk behind each others backs, ignore each other, and sometimes humiliate each other. Everyone does it. Maybe they just don’t realize it. But it becomes unbearable. When someone you are close to becomes your enemy. Almost a competition. Maybe we don’t have “best friends” just second best. But who takes the first?
Tangent: Paulina pointed out “I don’t keep secrets, that way everybody knows everything. Nobody talks about anything behind my back, and I'm not set up for as much disappointment.” This almost reminds me of the whole, set low goals if any, so you won’t be as disappointed if you don’t reach them. Or is it doesn’t set any goals at all, so the littlest feat means a lot. Same concept I guess.
Nobody’s perfect. So we just have to make do. I hate people. I hate drama. I'm sick of this. I wish people would stop being bipolar and just take me or leave me. I'm way too confused and I feel stretched out.

Beating Heart Baby (Head Automatica)...my 1st semester song.lol

As I’m looking to the sky to count the stars, I wonder if you see them where you are.

So psycho draft is finished. We got a D. I think it was the worst one that Diaz has ever seen. We were supposed to shoot the real one today, but that didn’t happen. Thursday, I think.—Sneakerhead!
And I have recently discovered my love of croissants. I love it when McAllister gives us food.
Bernie: Tom’s extra talkative today, what do you think he had for breakfast?
Roxanna: I don’t know, probably a parrot or something.

Think about the following spoken to a friend who shared the contemplation with me:
--Have you ever lost something that you wanted to lose and gained something that you thought you wanted but in the end, the thing you lost is what you really wanted and the thing you gained is what you wish you’d lost?

Saturday, some of my old friends met some of my new friends. They seemed to mix well. It was, what was oddly described to me as, “A pretty little group of people.” They highlights were singing But Its Better If You Do. (The clean version…”Praying for love and a hat dance.”) And watching Hailey and Joamna and Rachel and Jason trying to transfer their mixed drinks (pour everyone’s into a giant glass) into an empty cup using only their straws. When this was done we went to Petco. Enough said.

Now I think I'm going to rant. Not a mad rant, is it even a rant? I'm not that sure. But I want to express a concept called to my attention. Mostly through the broadcasting guys. I thought that I’d keep this to myself like Sandra Cisneros advised me to. But I think I pretty much go against everybody’s advice anyways.
So lately ive taken part in some interesting conversations. They are basically about what guys find attractive in girls. And vice versa. So my friends said that guys generally like thick girls. Okay, maybe that was the wrong term to use. I mean thick as in thighs, and a stomach. This pretty much goes against everything I was taught.
My old school was so different from this one. Maybe since I'm transfer. The kids aren’t the same. Different values, different ideas of “socially acceptable”. All my life I have been taught that skinny is beautiful. That if you don’t fit into a size 3, your fat. And nobody likes you. That was an exaggeration, but I’m sure everyone understands. There was this pressure to be skinny. And sad to say, I never was skinny. I never was fat either. But I never was happy with how I looked.
So this year, I decided to loose the weight. It was really 15 pounds, and it wasn’t hard. I'm sure I didn’t loose it the right way, but it works. Now instead of pushing a 5, I fit into a 3. And a small shirt size.
I really don’t want to go into a related anorexia thing, so I won’t. I'm still not satisfied, and I don’t think I ever will be. But as Tom says; “I don’t want to talk about it man.” And I realize I'm being semi-personal, but deal with it. Weight is a rollercoaster, along with many other aspects of life.
So now, after I loose, I am told that that is not the ideal. Which is outrageous. But for me, it’s a loose-loose. When I go to school I have to be not skinny. But where I live (kinda far away) the people expect you to be skinny. I can’t be both!
Fitting in is too hard nowadays. The standards are crazy. You can’t be what everybody else is. Or expects you to be. And why does everybody strive to be perfect. It’s too hard. The closer we get to it, the farther it gets. Like the horse with the carrot tied in front of it. Everybody just wants to be accepted. To be loved. Maybe some people just aren’t meant to have that. No matter how many changes they make, nobody cares. Or takes notice. Will they end up alone? Wow. I really need to get my head fixed.

Waiting. Fading. Floating Away.

Sorry. I realized that I haven’t posted much. For a week exactly. I won’t go into my schedule but it was lengthy. And even when I was free, I was too ugh to write anyways. Life’s just been whatever, and I doubt it gets better.

I think life pretty much comes down to trust. If you can’t trust anyone, you can’t live. You can’t do anything. You’re constantly fighting to determine whets real or not. What people are conspiring, who is really on your side. It reaches to point of being quite ridiculous.
But what people do behind your back can be surprising. Even what the do in your face. They hide, they lie, and they change stories. If you feel someone isn’t being real, you should run.
I can tell that about some people. When they “talk down” to you. I really can’t stand it. You can just tell.
But what really gets to me is when you find out that you can’t trust those close to you as much as you thought you could. When words spoken in confidence are twisted and repeated. Lately, its seems as if I can’t tell anyone anything. I'm to worried they will be judgmental. That I will change the way they see me. I don’t trust them to be there.
Using you. Toying with your emotions. Do they realize? Of coured they do. Your just too much a fool to turn away. You think you will be okay, but deep down you know it wont. And you know life goes on, but you feel its over. Cause you know that this will happen again. And that’s the only reliable aspect of this person. More pain.
Should I let go. Maybe my thoughts are obsolete. That’s another thing I do; I have no complete grasp on reality. So confused. And the person I thought would be there has long since disappeared. But don’t worry, cause tomorrow I will forget this all. It’s always that way.

keep telling yourself that, maybe it will come true

Sometimes we all get this idea in our head. This identity that we all want to have. We try so hard to be good enough for ourselves that we keep pushing our standards. We are killing ourselves. Instead of realizing that we don’t need to think so hard.
Sometimes we care so much about what other people think that it takes over our actions. And we end up hurting ourselves even more. We can’t stop because we think were doing whats best but its not. And we think too much. We over analyze every person’s actions when we really shouldn’t worry. We really shouldn’t worry about the people who mean nothing to us, and should focus on the people already in our lives.
We can tell you every single detail of all the subjects that don’t matter. Because they are easier to focus on that our everyday lives.
And some of us need to be more sensitive to other people’s feelings. We don’t realize how much our actions affect other people. We don’t notice when we break anyone. We just continue to relentlessly use. We suck all of the hope as these people get sucked into our webs. And they can’t tell us how they feel. These people are scared. But they have to deal with it. Because we don’t care. About anyone but ourselves.
We never learn the truth in these situations because nobody tells us. Nobody thinks we will listen. They think we will pretend to care for a few seconds (days) but then as soon as the emotion came, it will leave.
You can’t stop if you don’t try, and you obviously aren’t. Because if you were trying things would be better. You need a better strategy. Because personally, I don’t think you care. About anything. Are you just tricking yourself into thinking you care? Or are you tricking us?
People need to learn to be more sensitive to other people’s feelings. Sometimes the things you do hurt people more than you realize. But they don’t let on.
The thought process is so complicated that we never can tell what people are thinking. Do you find yourself paranoid? “Everybody goes through this.” I keep repeating it to myself until it sounds partially true.
Everybody is unique and we all come off differently. Nobody has ever managed to please everyone. Nobody has ever had anyone on their side. We need to figure out whats important and go with that. Look at what we have, look at what we could have and be thankful.
We allow ourselves to give up. We appear to be “desensitized” when we are really emotional wrecks. We tell ourselves continually that we don’t care, when its all we can think about.
Some people will change, some people wont. But be aware of your surroundings and learn to “deal with it”. Nobody brought this upon you but yourself, you know it’s true. And don’t change; we know you well enough too see through it. If you are going to claim that you care what other people think, take their advice and don’t tell them that they are wrong because that is hypocritical.
It’s never easy to learn of your own flaws. But we all have to face them sometimes. We have no right to complain if we are not trying to make a difference. The only thing we have is hope.
We keep pushing and pushing for this perfection, but let me ask: what happens when we achieve our goal? Do we keep going? How many people did we hurt on the way there? Do we care? Did we hurt ourselves? You don’t care, you never have. All anyone did was try to help, but you couldn’t see.
Am I talking to myself?
Lose yourself in another identity, who knows: it could be your own. How much do people know of you to be able to distinguish between the two? Just be content. If you can’t change a situation, don’t try to.
I wish I could be there. But it’s impossible to help everyone at the same time. I can’t even help myself at this point.
All of these flaws, all of these mysteries, make people beautiful. “How can I love someone who doesn’t even love themselves” How can anyone?
Can you not sense the confusion. The split personality. We are indeed, broken.
We use, and manipulate just so we can take ourselves seriously. Secretly we think of each other as pathetic. The same way we think of ourselves. We count our wrongs when we should be counting the rights. We can’t take our own advice.
We know exactly how to make our situations better. But we don’t. We are scared. But are we scared to admit our flaws (out loud) or are we scared that it won’t work. We need to live in the moment to fix our mistakes. Otherwise we tear ourselves apart. A bruise for everytime the memory haunts you.
We put on these acts to fool ourselves into thinking we are truly happy. These are the times when we most feel ourselves. These are the times that we most regret. A spur of the moment decision can feel great at the moment, but in the long run it really hurts you. We wear our hearts on our sleeves, but they are not our “hearts”. They are the “hearts” of the personality that we see fits the moment.
Eventually everyone who cares gives up. We use them up so much, they feel there is nothing else they can do and they become bitter. We find ourselves ruining every good thing we have going for us. There are so many instances where we just want to give up, but we don’t. We trick ourselves into thinking it will get better. In the back of our heads we know it won’t. We just want to see how we will fail next.
We hurt ourselves for control.